Crap, crap, fuckety, fuck my bum hurts.
I do not know which one of these is worse having slipped down the fucking stairs
- No alcohol was involved
- My child asking if I was going to die now
- That I slipped on thin air
- Having to ask child to do my shoes up
- Not being able to bend down to my chocolate buried in my Mary Poppins bag
- Being told rub some sudo-cream on it! (Why do kids only remember the wanky shit advice I tell them)
- Or being told to walk faster by young child because people will think I’m old
Which gets me thinking, (stay with me folks I am trying to distract the fact my fucking arse hurts so much!!) It was not that long ago young child questioned who would take them to school when they go up to next year, fucking hell my life flashed before my eyes…. I know the summer holidays drag sometimes but September is not that far away. By the way, it was not the look of horror on his siblings face at such thought it is the dog training cage I was imaging they would get for him, as they would totally mess with eldest head in their colour co-ordinated, matching, evenly spaced coat hangers, symmetrical house. Funny, how children learn your once anal ways, but cannot replace the empty fucking bog roll. Any way my little darling your fabulous Aunty & Uncle will be blessed with looking after you, I managed to slip that in one of my many messages so do not let them deny it.
I do think I need to have a little chat with young child, as they seem to have me killed off quite a lot lately and so should mention the no heritance here darlings, plus I plan to live long enough to the day in which I no longer need a ‘adult only drawer’.
Tip: Please make sure you wash your toys after not for just obvious reasons, but make sure hide them, especially if you have been teaching your child the correct way to put batteries in. Waking up with something buzzing next to your cheek by a very proud, small child whom is chuffed to bits telling you they have fixed my toy, results spending the next few hours explaining why we are allowed to have chocolate for breakfast, yes I know what you are thinking….. but I daren’t ask them where the fuck they found the batteries because I sodding could not, so it will always be one of life’s mysteries, never mentioned again.
Distracting from the fact my fucking arse is hurting like fuck, did I mention that? It is not the fact that I apparently know nothing as ‘I do not go to school’, or even excluding my range of job experience ‘I still can not possibly know what a certain job role does not involve’ (long wanky story). I am not even bothered that apparently me being born in the cave men era is the reason why I do never understand anything everrrrr!. It is the FACT my children think they have this eternal youth that will never make them as old as me or they going to live forever, some times to 1,000. Yes little pip squeak was most upset as does not want to die when they are one thousand, why? because when they are 1,000 and dead they will not know what to do. I love the way kids see the world sometimes and don’t need to be burden with sometimes shitty facts of life unnecessary, (ouch my arse is hurting). Honestly those fucking R.E. lessons gave me nightmares for years because there was no way my parents were going to buy a boat to stop us drowning and seriously on what fucking planet does a small child want to hear about pain & suffering of nailed to a cross…. I was still trying to come to terms with why the fuck Bambi Mum had to be shot, just fucking why….there really was no need. Not dissing religion just the manner it was taught. Shit it still hurts I can not even sit down.
I just hope I remember to wash the ice pack I got currently wedged in between my arse cheeks and not put it straight back in the freezer. Oh how I laughed so much about those knickers that I thought wtf did I actually order whom the fuck wants knickers with bum cheek padding in. It is hurting so much now, in case your wondering.
I am going to tell everyone I have had a bum lift that’s is why my bum is looking rather perky and explains why I am walking like I have shit myself
This is not a very good distraction I need to go search some slug fashionable hd eyebrows, that always hypnotises in some weird way.