I honestly don’t know what was or is more painful, my arse that is throbbing more than a dog on heat or the lecture from Pip Squeak about each fucking item from the basket of clothes, I placed on the floor by washing machine. I asked several times ‘to just put it all in,’ doesn’t normally question slave duties. Oh that sweet your thinking, yeah that is because I did not mention the fucking demonstration I had to watch Pip Squeak do several version of ‘on how to bend to reach said fucking basket telling me to ‘just try’ (I’m starting to see a pattern of my now wanky parent advice again) ’. Oh that still sweet your still thinking, yes just like the demonstration I have had to watch on how to get up and down the fucking stairs. I am seriously considering sleeping in my boots that need unzipping. Dam you Sherlock (know it all -eldest new nickname) for being old enough to go away who is now officially sacked as my vodka intake monitor for failing to mention ‘you drank that much already’ which translates do not forget to order more with next online shopping.
Pip squeak keeps asking if I can do this and that, think I prefer them using the sofa as a trampoline than the gymnastic demo I getting now. ‘oh my fucking arse is hurting’ even me poking pip squeak in the back and saying you try and poking harder failed. I want to escape into the kitchen to make a cup a tea I will not drink but have you ever watched an elephant back up into a lake to take a shit and get stuck.
Later on that night: As I sat there alternating between each arse cheek thinking positively that I did not wet myself when I fell downstairs; you have not forgotten how much that fucking hurt right? Any way I did not wet myself when I done the school run impersonating John Wayne. Do not tell me if you have to google John Wayne, I have no vodka to weep in too. I rocked even more being John Wayne on the way home as I picked up speed, dam you fucking house at bottom of hill. Your starting to wonder where this going? Well I no longer have to sleep in my boots. Tip: I can promise you it really is quicker to nip to the loo before proceeding with standing on swinging desk chair to check the ceiling especially if you forgotten how quickly those fuckers move. I want to drink vodka so I can tell my computer about my once acrobatic, mountain climbing, ability to lift cars youthful life!! Pip Squeak does not let me get a word in edge ways who is currently giving me a running fucking commentary on every thing, I mean everything on his tablet.. Another thing I was conned into believing by other parents ‘parents only give devices to children just to shut them up’. Pip Squeak talks non-stop even when having a poo, even if my research had of found the answer on ‘how to get your child to create an invisible friend’ I think I have missed the window for that opportunity.
My arse is very swollen now, oh it is possible hurt even fucking more than it did to start with, yes swollen enough that my belly sticks out even more just to stop me from falling over…. I am officially a fucking duck! If only I could remember what caused the allergic reaction that made my lips swell up the other week. I have go arse over tit twice now with both kids when showing them ‘this is how you ride a skateboard and scooter’ but I never ever noticed before that the crease in your arse gets longer the bigger your arse gets. It is true every day is a school day.
Hope your weekend brings something that makes you laugh. Vodka arriving later.