I rarely do many of these posts, as I believe the only people that can judge me are my children by the amount their therapy bill is when they are older. But I am having a weak moment that I feel I need to explain why my posts are mostly just a pisstake on the world and not about the good people or the ones I love dearly that are in my life.
I hope that I have reached that point whereas I can tell those people directly just how much they mean to me without having to write it constantly in a blog. Sure it’s all very fluffy and nice, but I’ve wasted too many years crying not being able to reach that ‘perfection’ that is always wrote about, you know the fucking Unicorn in the field that we sang in whilst making daisy chains, smiling loving at each other, before eating our delicious loving homemade picnic (not a party pack of sausages in sight). Listening to the birds singing in the trees and the fairies sprinkling glitter making everything look so dreamy……. shit I’ve bored myself now that I forgot where I was going with this?…….. Oh yes that’s right, I find it boring and dull its Disney but without the middle part… you know like Bambi…. I know, I know I have mentioned it before but I am still traumatised, just fucking why couldn’t Bambi mum, tripped or got lost….. I was a child fucksake, I was still learning how to direct the ungratefulness at not getting my gifts I carefully cut and stuck from catalogue at my parents and not Father Christmas.
Any way my question is :-
- Do you want to hear about the friend who I believed saved my life a long time ago, who to this day actually does not believe if it had not been for him….well you know. The same friend who has helped me in so many ways be it driving miles to collect me in the early hours of the morning, to chatting and listening to my shit, making me laugh or encouraging me to believe in myself. The same friend that I could ring up tomorrow after not speaking to for months or year (not because of fall out) and yet could chat as if was as if we only spoke the other week. I could write a book on how thankful that I crossed paths with him whey back in 2000 and still 17 years later (I know my maths is great). He is truly one of life’s gems. Update: I just checked and it was 2001 as I first thought but the year is the unimportant thing here.
- Do you want to hear about the love I have for my parents, that I love and adore them so much the thought of not having them around (we live hundreds of miles away) but still not having them just at the end of the phone fills me with fear that I can do not even want to think about. I have put my parents through so much mental crazy shit that has tested them time and time again that fuck me even the best Psychologist in the country would have ended up rocking in the corner.
- Do you want to hear about how much I love my siblings?
- The sibling I love to bits that I rarely mention because unless it is of some benefit to them, it is not up for discussion. I am very protective of them, I am like that a Chihuahua I maybe small but fuck I won’t think twice at going against any Rottweiler.
- The sibling who I love because we still have that same relationship we had growing up you know friends one minute then next all hell breaks loose then 5 minutes later it’s like nothing ever happened, I’m allowed to bitch and moan about but will defend against anyone outside the family regardless if you think the same.
- The sibling that the sanest one, the one that when you are younger you just cannot wait to move out. The one whose loyalties you test as much as your parents time and time again. the one that is expected to never fail apart, who accepts my craziness and who won’t just tell me when I am out of line but will explain why I bonkers. The one who you tell stuff, that your parents or your kids should not know about. The one whose other half has wanted to put me out of my misery (which I wouldn’t of blamed them) many of times but has not because sibling never gave up of me. I could tell you why I have so much family love for my siblings other half.
- Do you want to hear about the martyr I am, who does not like relying on anyone but learnt that that it is not such a bad thing to let go of the pride and stubbornness, and all the things I can do by myself.
- Do you want to hear about the friends that make me howl with laughter, the friend that makes that little gesture as they know I am limited in some ways without me even saying. The ones that you wish you could do more for.
I hope you have answered NO to all the above which is a fucking relief not only because my train of thought was drifting into space and I haven’t covered everyone but because I got fuck all intentions about writing about such stuff, because there are no Unicorns shitting magical glitter here but can be easily found elsewhere by following the rainbow.
Instead I will write about things like when I changed the washing machine drum all by myself! I lost 2 fucking days of my life fighting putting that bastard springy thing on, I actually cried in frustration on both days, broke all my fucking nails, kicked the fucking machine, threw the tools in the garden and swore like fuck and cried in relief when I finally done and not a fucking photo was taken.